


With or Without You

by mochaaaa



Series: With or Without You [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Dean Winchester Being an Idiot, Dean writes a letter to Cas, Episode: s14e11 Damaged Goods, Epistolary, He admits his feelings, I've been writing a Lot lately, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Prostitution, Inspired by Music, Love Confessions, M/M, Much of this is, Not A Fix-It, Not Beta Read, Open to Interpretation, Sad Ending, Spoilers, Wordcount: 500-1.000, almost forgot this one, before he does the Dumb Thing hes planning to do, he thinks Cas doesn't really care about him, not necessarily mcd yet, this is his goodbye bc, well you know :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 06:15:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17596001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochaaaa/pseuds/mochaaaa
Summary: Cas, do you remember after we put Lucifer in the Cage? After Sam jumped in the Pit, you popped into my car. You remember what you said?You said that I "got what I asked for. No paradise, no Hell. Just more of the same."That wasn't what I wanted at all.I wanted my brother safe, and I wanted you.I still do, and I'll never stop.But, that's not an option. So, instead, I'll do what I can to protect you.Dean can't say goodbye to Cas. He's gotta tell him how he feels, though, so he writes Cas a letter.Title from the U2 song, of course. It's cheesy, but basically inspired this fic.





	With or Without You

**Author's Note:**

> "through the storm we reach the shore  
> You give it all but I want more  
> And I'm waiting for you
> 
> With or without you  
> With or without you  
> I can't live  
> With or without you"

Dear Cas,

 

Well, this is it. Here I am. Writing this, after… well, it's been a long time coming. A very long time. At least, it feels like that to me, but probably doesn't to you.  
I'm rambling. Sorry.

You know me as being all sarcastic and macho, I guess. I mean, you see how I am. Women, alcohol, it's just my thing. You know that.  
I can't really explain it, but...

Cas, you see me deeper than that. I don't think I can hide from you. I can pretend and ignore as much as I want, but you see it all. The good, the bad, the really bad- you've never judged me for it. Instead, you put your own ass out there to protect us.

And, what I'm trying to say is… damn, why is this so hard to do? I'm just writing the words on a goddamn piece of paper. It's not like I'm saying them out loud. 

I love you. Cas, I love you.  
I don't just… do it, though. I'm… I'm in it.  
God, I am awful at this.  
I'm in love with you. Because I'm an awful, shitty guy who fell in love with an actual, literal angel. Like, I should not matter to you. You could do infinitely better things with your time. Sometimes, I'm scared that you know that.

But, you stay with us. You stay with me, Cas, even when it seems like everything is going to absolute horseshit.

I'm in love with you. And I'm a fucking coward. I can't believe I'm telling you this before I-

Well, I think you know. I'm doing my job. This is what I have to do.

I said yes to him. So I gotta deal with the consequences, and stop him the only way I can.

To protect the world. To protect Sam, and Jack, and my mom.

To protect you.

Because if Michael gets control of me again? He's not gonna be forgiving. He's shown me what he's gonna do, to all them, and to you-

It- it wasn't pretty.

and I can't let him do that. 

I couldn't live with that. 

It's like having the Mark, again, in a way.

I love you, Cas. Don't try to stop me. I've seen you suffer and fucking die too much. Maybe now you can move on with your life.  
Just, make sure they're all okay. Please. This is what I'm asking you to do.

Cas, do you remember after we put Lucifer in the Cage? After Sam jumped in the Pit, you popped into my car. You remember what you said?  
You said that I "got what I asked for. No paradise, no Hell. Just more of the same."  
That wasn't what I wanted at all.  
I wanted my brother safe, and I wanted you.

I still do, and I'll never stop.  
But, that's not an option. So, instead, I'll do what I can to protect you.

I've never been good at goodbyes, y'know.  
It's kinda weird, planning it out like this. I feel like an old person, writing a will or something.  
I guess pushing 40 is pretty old, for a hunter. I don't really know what I expected. Retire, maybe do what Bobby did.  
Or, well. You and me. Sitting on the porch, rocking chairs, the works.  
Not sure if you remember it, but I definitely ain't gonna forget that time after I took you to the brothel. I was terrified, honestly. I know we didn't go all the way, but that was the most I'd ever done with a dude.  
Turning tricks uncounted.

I thought you were pretty drunk, but was hoping that you weren't, really.  
I still don't really know if you were, but I've always liked to think that you had wanted me, too. I doubt it, but a man can hope, right? That only works for so long, though.

Please don't take this bad. I know Sam will. Make sure he doesn't do anything dumb, okay? 

And make sure Jack knows I don't hate him. I'm way too hard on him, I know. He's a good kid. When I look at him, he reminds me of you. It's crazy. He's got a good heart.  
Mom'll be heartbroken, too. You gotta hold em together, though. 

Ah, shit. You just texted me. You asked when we're getting back. You added a cat emoji. I still have no idea what you mean when you do that.

This is getting long. I should finish up.

Take care of them, Cas. And take care of yourself.  
I love you. A lot. That's a big weight off my chest, even if it's too little too late.

I just hope you can forgive me for this.

 

 

Forever Yours, Dean

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I was being angsty for my own reasons, when this literally just popped into my head lol


End file.
